How I Got Out of the Darkest Time

First, I can’t tell you how happy I am to be alive right now to write this post.

A couple of years ago, my mental condition went from good to bad within weeks, and from bad to worst within days. I had no reason to live.

Long story short, I went from having a career of my dream to being unemployed, and from that to being “unemployable.” Needless to say, I was in a stage of total despair. It didn’t help although I tried to cheer myself up by thinking “No one kicks a dead dog.” Even though I was already a dead dog, (e.g., scraping food from the street and sleep on the sidewalk) the kicking did not stop.

Things had gotten worse daily. Every day, then friends and then colleagues stopped talking to me. One by one, all of them gradually disappeared from my life. Ironically, those who were still there only encouraged me to “disappear from the face of the earth.”

Without money, or someone to turn to, the thought of ending my life frequented my mind.

But I actually did not even have to take my own life. My body-mind connection was strong. When my mind no longer saw life as worthwhile of living, my body began to deteriorate.

My appetite stopped (which was probably a good thing as I was too poor to get more than a meal a day anyway). My willingness to do just about anything faded. “I don’t want to be here anymore,” constantly cross-pathed with “I don’t want to be anywhere else either.”

Before I knew it, I was lying on the curve side waiting for something to majestically do all the hard work and ended my life for me.

At that time, I knew, for sure, my death would bring joy to so many people.

So, why am I still here?

A few things happened, obviously.

While waiting for my body to fully deteriorate, I came across a few unwanted books on an unfamiliar subject: Psychology.

Before that, I didn’t even know what it meant and even ridiculed it sometimes, making fun of it as “pseudoscience.”

Here are what this unfamiliar subject taught me.

One: You are your thinking.

Because we think and understand the world in words, in nouns, and in verbs, you are essentially what you are thinking. The thinking that “Today is a bad day” can become a self-fulfilling prophecy making your day as bad as you thought. In other words, it’s the words that “program” you to act accordingly. This is a concept known to psychologists as Neurolinguistics Programming (NLP).

Having no job and nothing to lose, I gave NLP a shot.

“Some kind people will give me food today,” I always began my day that way, and lo and behold, I constantly got fed.

Positive words made me look unharmful and even friendly. Strangers were happy to share their food with me and let me talk to them. Soon, I turned to different sets of words, such as “I will learn something today,” “Today is going to be better than yesterday,” and “I can make new friends.” These were powerful words that, looking back, helped me re-program my mind and therefore my physical condition. I was still sick but I was obviously better in a matter of weeks.

The other thing I learned from NLP is that the worthiness of my life doesn’t depend on what others think of me.

Yes, old friends were no longer there. They did not like me anymore. But just because they did not like me doesn’t mean I should die. With the goal of “making new friends every day,” I began to reevaluate my value, and gradually, I have found the “kinder” version of myself: The one that treasures kindness over correctness, the one that treasures every living moment over a big moment of success, and the one that cherishes the now more than the past.

Two: Optimism is Breathing when Suffocated.

Here’s another thing that I learned. NLP helped me re-program my mind but NLP alone is not the secret sauce. I still needed a “reality check” as well. Usually, a reality check comes in the form of things that are difficult to swallow.

Let imagine it together.

You’re suffocated, and you don’t see anyone’s coming to help you any time soon, what should you do?

To be optimistic is to hope that someone will come and help you, right?

Wrong.

To be optimistic, in this circumstance, is to continue to try to breathe.

It’s the attitude of not wanting to give up and work toward the goal of surviving. What you should be thinking about isn’t “When is someone’s coming to help me?” but “How do I conserve my energy and use the light air I had left effectively?”

I am still using this technique today. In fact, just a year ago, the very day I lost something important, I forced myself to look for a replacement and act on getting it at that very moment. It’s painful to dwell in the loss, hence the act of doing something actually helps to distract you from the sunk cost and focus on what you should be doing.

Three: I Found Joy in Doing Things I Once Took for Granted.

If you ask me how would I reevaluate those darkest times of my life. I would be hesitating to say that it was all bad. I can’t even say that I would not go through it again — because I have learned so much from it.

I used to be arrogant and believed in nothing but myself. I used to judge people ruthlessly based on my own moral principles. I also used to destroy everyone who did not see the world the same way that I did. Those darkest times changed everything for me.

Because I did not have a job, I had all the time in the world.

I once read a book that mentioned how the father of modern psychology William James was toying around with the idea of killing himself. “I’d give it a year, if my life isn’t improved I would do it,” said James. I thought that was a powerful thought that I wanted to replicate.

“If this was going to be my very last year on earth, how should I make use of it?” Again, unlike millionaires, I didn’t have any resources or money to plan it extravagantly. I could only try to make it as good as it would get — with nothing. And that was when I found the true love for the concept of “gamification,” or the idea that we can make seemingly boring stuff, such as mundane work, fun by using game elements and mechanics.

So, I began to plan for my last year in which I would be collecting points and badges (as in a serious game) daily, and toward the Day 365, I would see myself on the scoreboard. If my rank wasn’t high enough, I would end my life.

What’s the game?

Well, I didn’t have a job and my previous skills are now rendered useless. I need a new set of skills. So, the game was to find myself a new skill without going back to school (no money), without any tools (also, because of no money) and without any formal helps from anyone (remember, I had no friends left).

So, spending time at random spots and random people, I began my quest to master this “365 Days Game” by talking to as many people as I found interesting. I then selected random things from the internet or a leftover magazine, and study them thoroughly. Then, I began to found myself “in the zone” whereby the feeling that I could learn something so new and random, and make a living doing it, began to don on me.

It took about a few months, during which I observed how people practically do things and make things, together with my own self-study on how to theoretically make them, for me to grasp the basic concept of what would soon become the foundation of my new and now career.

I also made so many new friends along the way — these were friends whom I would never have gotten a chance to know had I still be in my previous work-life circle.

Soon, I started to feel confident again. With the help of positive words (NLP), the reality check (optimism = breathe when suffocated), and making life a serious game, I didn’t have to wait until Day 365 to ask myself for another year of life.

Yep, and that is the answer to the question: Why am I still here.

Coda

This is not a self-help post.

I am literally writing this post for myself, as I need and want to reflect.

The job that I have right now is the one that I have now which I would never trade it for anything. In fact, a friend asked me yesterday, “What would you be doing now if you win millions from a lottery today.” It took me half a second to answer “Actually, I never work a day because I am doing what I like…So, I would still be doing this job even if I can afford a private jet to go anywhere.”

So, here’re some quick recaps.

1. Things get hard from time to time. Don’t dwell too much on it — think of them as challenges in a videogame to overcome and find joy in doing it.
2. Negative words are not be used with anyone, including yourself. If psychology tells us anything, it tells us that you are what you thinking makes you. So, make use of words wisely. Don’t overdo it (e.g., “I am the best in the world”), instead use it humbly (as in, “I am useful to someone”).
3. Learn something difficult, as it would distract you from your own negative self-talk by putting you “in the zone” of proximal development.

Thank you for reading.

A full list of books that saved my life can be found here.